the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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