Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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