when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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