I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize