My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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