Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize