They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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