he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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