GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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