I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
