That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
