just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
