Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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