I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
