Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
