It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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