Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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