Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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