sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
