i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
True strength comes from lack of pants
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
