bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
