Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We had sex on a dog bed..
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
