I saw his package. It spoke to me.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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