i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
