I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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