The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize