Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
