Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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