I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
