I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
