he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
