I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
