matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
