I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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