Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
