I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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