I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
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