thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
