just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
