I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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