dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
