dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
