Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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