apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
This toilet bowl is my home.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
