Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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