If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
