I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
