I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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