When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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