who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
