She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
