nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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