Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
