Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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