your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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