Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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