Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
