She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
