if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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