I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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