I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
