What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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