just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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