we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
How does it feel to date your dad?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
