Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
