I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
