Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize