you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
