i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
