I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
