I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It's official drugs can't kill me
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
