hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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